Scrumdiddlyumptious
by Crescent Pulsar
Summary: We all know that many divorces result from problems in the bedroom, so will Ranma and Akane share the same fate when they have a problem only they could have? 07/22/12: Now updated with the latest in writing skills! ?


**Story**

Once upon a time...

There lived a man whose life was fraught with peril: a martial artist by the name of Saotome Ranma. This is what had happened after his known life, the part that was left out to leave you with a more... fairy tale-like ending. Well, perhaps not so fairy tale-like, but that's all that could have been salvaged before the actual ending. You see, his life _had_ become better after the wedding attempt. However, it hadn't been followed through with because a tragedy would have ruined it: instead of living happily ever after, he'd only live happily for a brief time.

And so I now bring to you the lost pages of Ranma's life...

* * *

"_Aaaarrgghh!_ What's going on! ?" A distraught female voice screamed from within the Tendo residence.

Kasumi heard someone running hastily upon the hardwood floor, which stopped briefly when said runner jumped down the stairs. She entered the house to see what was wrong, and she caught a glimpse of a naked redhead through the balustrade of the staircase. Before Kasumi could set her broom aside, Akane had flown down the steps in pursuit of her husband, also naked.

As Kasumi followed them, she wondered why they had so easily forgotten about maintaining a sense of modesty over the past three days. Certainly they were happy, something that no one could overlook once they had become married, but was it really necessary to spend so much time having sex everyday?

She blushed at the thought.

"Nooooooooo...!" Kasumi heard the grief-stricken cry come from the vicinity of the bathroom. She hurried her way there and passed through it to enter the furo. Once there, she found Ranma in the steaming bath water with her sister trying to comfort her.

"Why...?" She heard Ranma whisper despondently.

"Hold on. Steaming bath water? A female Ranma?" Were the thoughts that crossed Kasumi's mind before realization came to her.

"Oh, my!" Kasumi exclaimed, grabbing the attention of Akane.

"K-Kasumi... Call doctor Tofu." Akane implored, struggling between sounding worried and urgent.

Kasumi gave a nod and made to leave, but Akane hurriedly spoke up before she could turn around to do so, saying, "Oh! Tell him we'll be _there_ shortly."

Kasumi smiled before leaving, missing the sigh of relief from Akane.

"Having doctor Tofu make a house call with Kasumi around would _not_ be a good idea." Thought Akane.

* * *

"Have a seat, Ranma," Tofu instructed, motioning toward an examination bed with a smile.

As Ranma obeyed his instruction, he turned to face Akane, who stood beside him.

"He can't return to being a man again, I understand?" He asked, receiving a nod from Akane.

"Well, knowing what has caused this in the past, it's safe to say that the fastest way to find a solution is to remember what you had been doing as of late." He told Ranma, not noticing how the faces of his patient and her wife had become red.

"So, where have you been spending most of your time, lately?" Tofu addressed a fidgeting Ranma after a moment without a forthcoming response.

"At, uh... home." Was Ranma's nervous reply.

"I see. And when was the last time that you had been a girl?" Tofu continued his probing.

"A few hours ago, when I washed up. It was right after I awoke." Ranma answered, blushing even more when she began to think about the reason as to why she had needed to cleanse herself of all of the sweat and other bodily fluids.

Tofu nodded in response and began to think that whatever (or whoever) had been the cause, it would have been done between her recent transformation and her time in the bath.

"Hmmmm." Tofu hummed thoughtfully before asking, "What were you doing during your last transformation?"

He was answered by a tense silence that was filled with blazingly-hot cheeks. He blinked a few times in wonderment as he alternated his attention between the two newlyweds. But his features soon brightened when he struck upon an idea.

"I know! You were doing Akane, right?" He surmised with a radiant smile and an extended finger, which pointed toward the heavens.

Ranma fell off of the examination bed due to shock while Akane became very flustered.

"H-how could you tell! ?" Akane sputtered.

She was embarrassed, ashamed, nervous and worried, wondering as to how doctor Tofu would think of her after this. She didn't want anyone to know about their sex life, especially since their latest bedroom brawl had turned her husband into a wife. What would everyone else think, should they ever find out about that?

"You mean... I was right?" Was Tofu's response, who sounded surprised. He rubbed the back of his head, feeling a bit apologetic about bringing such personal information to light.

He watched as Akane fell down, due to shock, and then he chuckled after he regarded the dazed couple for a moment.

"Don't worry," he told them, sounding amused, before trying to reassure them further. "Remember: whatever is said here doesn't leave this room. I will treat it with the strictest of confidence."

Ranma groaned in response as she picked herself up from the floor. Seeing Akane in the same condition that she had been in just previously, she went over to her and roused her out of her daze.

Tofu watched as Ranma successfully returned her spouse to her senses and led her to the examination bed, where they both sat and faced him.

"Sorry 'bout that, doc," Ranma apologized to him after lowering her head and rubbing the back of her head in embarrassment.

"Me, too," Akane added, her eyes finding something interesting about the floor.

"There's no need for any of that," Tofu told them, still amused. "Your relationship has changed in normal ways since you were married three days ago, so it's understandable. You don't have to say anything for people to guess what has been going on, to be honest."

Seeing that his comment made them uncomfortable, he cleared his throat and continued, saying, "So, let's not worry about that and delve back into the problem at hand, shall we?"

They both gave him a nod to show their approval.

"Now..." He began, working his way back into the demeanor that was typical for a man of his profession. "When the change occured, what were you doing?"

He watched patiently while the two remained quiet for a time, but it didn't take too long before Akane decided to nudge Ranma's arm. They both turned to look at each other, and appeared to have a silent argument amongst themselves. Finally, after a minute of this, Akane glared at her husband-turned-wife and said person sighed in defeat before giving the doctor eye contact.

"We were, um... trying something different," Ranma hesitantly told him.

"'Different?'" Tofu inquired.

Ranma left her head down after nodding it, too embarrassed to show the reddening features of her face. Akane, likewise, had her head down.

"Y-yeah... um..." Ranma faltered.

Then she was looking up with an expression of wonder upon her face, when she felt a hand being placed on her shoulder. The hand belonged to doctor Tofu, and he wore a comforting smile.

"Go on," he urged in a soft tone. "If you want a chance at a cure, I'll need to know how this happened."

Determined, Ranma nodded her head and gathered her thoughts so she could explain. She wasn't really sure how to without sounding stupid or something.

"Okay. Well, you see..." She paused while a thoughtful look crossed her face. "Akane told me about something that a friend of hers had mentioned back when we were in school. We'd been doing the same thing for two days straight and she felt we should give it a try." She glanced over at Akane before continuing, saying, "I'd do anything to make her happy, so I agreed to try it out."

"What was it?" Tofu nudged softly.

"It was to..." Ranma tried to push forward with what she needed to say, but she found herself trailing off instead. "Um..."

She began to lose her confidence to embarrassment again, but she drove onward nonetheless, knowing that it had to be done or else she might never know a solution to her latest problem.

"S-she wanted m-me to use m-my mouth," she finally managed to say, with evident relief, hoping that she didn't have to tell anyone something like that again. Akane was thinking the same thing, only from her side of things.

"Aaaaaah," Tofu voiced with newfound understanding, pondering over the information.

After a few moments without a conclusive answer from the doctor, Akane spoke up and asked, "S-so... what do you think happened?"

Ranma looked at him intently, waiting for a forthcoming answer.

"Well..." Tofu said, while he scratched the side of his face. "I'm not sure, but I'm going to quote an expression..." He noticed their expectant looks. "'You are what you eat.'"

Akane and Ranma blinked their eyes while they regarded the doctor in front of them with dubious expressions on their faces.

"What?" Akane finally responded.

"Are you serious?" Ranma added, sounding skeptical.

Tofu nodded and proceeded to push his glasses up the bridge of his nose before he began to explain how he had drawn his conclusion.

"Yes," he replied. "You see, water used to be the trigger. You knew that when it had first happened, and you were also aware that the water was cold. Am I right?"

Ranma nodded, not responding audibly so as to allow the doctor to continue uninterrupted.

"You also know that what you eat becomes a part of you, as well as the energy you need in order to perform your daily tasks," Tofu told them. "What could have happened is that you were at least subconsciously aware of that when you, uh, gave Akane oral pleasure."

He had the good grace to blush upon finishing his explanation.

"That makes sense, but how is that possible?" Akane asked, despite the way she was currently comporting herself.

She felt as if her brain was going to blow a chip from having to talk about such personal affairs between her husband and herself. Knowing that doctor Tofu was a good person to confide in did make her feel better, but not very much so. Her husband fared marginally better since she was more concerned with what was happening to her, and whether or not doctor Tofu could help. If his theory was correct, anyway.

"Normally, we don't become what we eat," Tofu began to illustrate his point, "but Ranma _can_ become a girl. Thus..."

"He can become a girl if he 'eats' one!" Akane finished for him, astounded by how simple the logic was to grasp.

"Er... so to speak." She added, feeling flustered.

Ranma looked very worried, however, when she asked, "Then, since the trigger to my curse has changed, does that mean I have to...?"

She didn't have to finish; they all knew what she was implying.

"That would be the logical answer, I'm afraid," Tofu ascertained.

Ranma froze in place, as she was struck by the sheer horror of her predicament. She idly wondered why it had to happen to her, but then she dismissed that thought upon remembering her past experiences: _of course_ this had to happen to her.

"Ranma?" Akane implored with evident concern while she waved her hand in front of the redhead's non-fazing visage.

Tofu turned his attention to the door of the examination room when he heard someone knock upon it.

"I wonder who that could be?" He wondered aloud as he made his way to answer.

Upon opening the door, his glasses fogged up due to the sight that he found before him.

"K-K-K-K-Kasumi! ?" He stammered excitedly.

That put both Akane and Ranma on high alert, but especially the latter.

"Why, good morning, doctor Tofu," Kasumi greeted him with a pleasant smile.

"Wh-what b-brings you here? Of all places?" He asked her, turning the doorknob until it broke with an audible snap.

Kasumi raised a picnic basket into view.

"I thought I'd bring you some lunch: in appreciation for taking care of Ranma." She replied.

She proffered the basket to Tofu, who happily accepted it. He then placed the two handles in his mouth and had the basket situated behind his head.

"It's a wonderful bridle, Kasumi! Thanks!" He said, his voice slightly muffled and distorted due to having the basket handles in his mouth.

Kasumi giggled at his antics before saying, "That's not what it's meant for."

Akane and Ranma watched from the background, which they considered to be a safe distance, as doctor Tofu took the basket out of his mouth so he could slip his head through the handles of the basket, allowing it to hang in front of his face from his neck.

"Then it's certainly a great feedbag!" He declared. "Heh, heh, heh!"

He tried opening the flaps, but for all of the world he couldn't comprehend as to why they got in his way when he pulled them open.

"Well, I guess that could work..." Said Kasumi, with some amount of uncertainty, before mentally adding, "If you removed the flaps."

"Oh! And have you found a cure for Ranma's problem?" She asked, when she got her mind back on track.

"Why, yes!" He exclaimed triumphantly before showing it to her in all of its glory, after tearing his trousers away. "I have!"

"Oh, my!" Kasumi yelped in surprise, who blushed furiously and covered her mouth with both of her hands.

Tofu had his hands set on his hips and his gaze raised to meet one of the light fixtures on the ceiling when he — in a chivalrous tone — stated, "I am one with the capability to cure him!"

He then turned about to face the one in need of rescue, who — in response — hopped off of the examination bed and moved to the other side of it with Akane, placing it between them and him.

"I'll have you fixed in a jiffy!" He cheerfully assured before he charged toward them.

Ranma and Akane screamed as they bolted, making their escape through the wall. Kasumi watched as they ran beyond her vision, uncertain as to how she should react to what had just transpired.

* * *

Several minutes later a child spies an older man with the southern exposure look going on, who appeared to be searching about himself while a picnic basket hung from his neck.

"Hey, guys! Com're 'n' lookit this!" He called out to his friends, the ones that he had been playing with in the playground.

"Isn't he the one who makes our booboos all better?" A little girl asked the others as she approached the fence, near to where they stood.

"Yeah!" Another among the gathered group of children agreed. "Must be healthy, so let's follow his example!"

And so, following his lead, they all stripped themselves of their southern raiments and returned to play...

_...And they played happily ever after. The end._


End file.
